Chris Matthews Forgot Barack Obama Was Black, For Like An Entire Hour

AWWWWWWWW SO CUTE: But is this what *really really white* people do? If they can subvert all triggers and reminders of another human’s Negroid status, in their minds, for like twenty minutes or an hour or some shit, then this other human, the Negro, becomes socially acceptable to them? And then racism dies? Got it. [...]

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Gender Indexing And The Health Insurance Industry

Ah, the healthcare debate. It’s reaching all kinds of wild, deeply discriminatory levels, which usually boil down to a “I got mine, so fuck you and yours” attitude. The latest manifestation of this is the gender-based arguments arising around health care. Presently, women’s advocacy groups are trying to work with the legislators of the health [...]

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Safety Experts Fear Americans Will Just Walk Into Traffic If They Don’t Hear A ‘Vroooooom’

CHRIST ON A CRACKER: What is going on here, people? “…safety experts, worried that hybrids pose a threat if pedestrians, children and others can’t hear them approaching, want automakers to supply some digitally enhanced vroom. Indeed, just as cellphones have ring tones, “car tones” may not be far behind — an option for owners of [...]

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Sexy Fridays: Advancements in Beachwear

Finally! A place to warehouse your boner, for those times you’re on sitting on the beach, getting a boner…what?  [Village Voice] Note: Some photos NSFW And of course, there’s the new Naked Bikini, invented in Germany for men looking to exact revenge on an ex after a bad break up. Good grief people.  [The Sun [...]

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Dr. Bottom Introduces: Aspray, The Spray For All Your Assy-Smelling Needs

Maybe it’s the schizophrenic rain storms, or the steamy, sticky July experience so singular to NYC, but I think everyone should follow Doc Bottom’s suggestions, and pick up a can of Aspray, the all-over body spray that can be used to eliminate the beastly odors emanating from your stinky butt cracks and your sweaty balls. [...]

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Some Guy In Congress Drafting A Bill Demanding President Apologize To That Cambridge Police Officer

Stunningly handsome Rep. Thaddeus McCotter (R-MI) believes Barack Obama is a super dooper cocksmoker for being mean to those cops in Cambridge who arrested his friend Henry Louis Gates Jr. inside his home last week or whenever; so mean, in fact, that if the President does not offer an official apology to Sgt. James Crowley, [...]

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Male Unemployment, Irritability and Depression Are A Woman’s Problem, So Deal With It Bitch, Before I Smack You Again

Roughly 74 percent of the 6 million or so jobs lost in this recession have been men’s, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, a statistic which has resulted in the uptick of another one: relationship problems (and subsequent divorces). This because earning a living is still centrally tied to male self-esteem, since Tarzan still [...]

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Wall Street Journal Reporting On Cankles Now

The WSJ‘s Pulitzer-winning journalism team has decided to devote front page coverage to the LATEST! and VERY!IMPORTANT! problem area of women’s bodies… cankles! A cankle, for those of you who don’t know, is a fat ankle, the calf-ankle continuum, apparently only found on women. How does one define a “fat ankle” you ask? Who the [...]

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I Hate PETA

Yeah so President Obama swatted and killed some fly during an interview the other day (good for him, as bugs suck), and of course, the cocksucks at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have issued a statement urging the President to treat the ravenous, annoying, shit-eating insects more humanely, even though they are, you [...]

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Good Ideas

THE BEST WAY TO CURB RANDOM GUN VIOLENCE IS TO GIVE EVERYBODY GUNS: Hey remember Texas? Haha yes you do! You just don’t want to. (But if they secede, you might not have to, so cross your fingers!) But they’re still ours for now, so … yes, Texas. A bill passed yesterday in their state [...]

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Good Thing No One Is Overreacting Over This Swine Flu Thing

On governmental orders, Egypt’s Health Ministry workers drove through the country, rounding up and slaughtering roughly 300,000 pigs on Wednesday. As a precautionary measure, you see. Good thing the virus isn’t spread through human-to-human contact. Oh, wait. What? [1010 WINS dot com] Meanwhile, 300,000 pigs is a lot of meat. Especially to the 1 billion [...]

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Genius Does What It Must

Remo Spencer, who’s first name is Remo, worked at WalMart. He decided to steal some shit, i.e. laptops, Ipods, what have you, in plain view of the storewide surveillance cameras. Hmm. Fine. He then planned to sell his stolen goods for a damn fine profit . . . . . . by posting the items [...]

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Wonderbulge!

Time to leave those tube socks behind, kiddies. Grown up men falsely advertise with grown up gadgets. Here’s one: A designer in Croatia has come up with the next product in the natural progression of the revolutionary push-up line – push-up pants! I know, totally original. I mean, what will they think of next?!? Similar [...]

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Really, Glamour?

Today’s groundbreaking headling from Glamour: “Do Michelle Obama’s Brows Look Less ‘Angry’ Lately?” What, did we get tired of discussing her perfectly toned arms ad nauseum? We now need to drag in her perfectly arched eyebrows as well… Because clearly, every time we talk about the first lady, it has to be about appearances, be [...]

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WTF

Apparently, some assholes have decided to give the attention-starved “Octomom”, Nadya Suleman, even more fucking attention. Because that’s how you get rid of annoying people. Yeah, so, some fresh-out-of-original-ideas dooshbag out there decided that what this lady needs is her own reality show. It will focus on the Nadya’s life as a single mother of [...]

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I Am Man, Hear Me Conventionalize!

Although we don’t read Esquire too often here at CTJ (despite enjoying its covers), this month’s issue has an article by Tom Chiarella titled “What Is a Man?” that we just could not resist mocking highlighting. Some lovely, sparkly gems: “A man carries cash.” [Cuz he's too broke for a checking account.] “A man makes [...]

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The Montagues and The Capulets

FIRST LEVI JOHNSTON GOES ON TYRA’S DUMB TALK SHOW: And of course, Tyra Banks, America’s leading investigative journalist, evidently, gets him to admit he and Bristol Palin were ‘doing it’ sans condoms “sometimes”, in a hilarious back and forth exchange. He later went on to dish that Sarah Palin was quite aware he and her [...]

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EARTH HOUR: A Nation Disgraces Itself

So there was this Earth Hour thing at some point this weekend. Saturday evening, possibly. We noticed a recap featured on a Sunday broadcast of teevee channel NY1. . . Well! Participating people around the globe were to turn off things, lights, computers, plugin Obama dildos, etc., in an effort to save the planet from [...]

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WTF?

Seriously, Japan. Inquiring minds want to know. [Gizmodo]

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“9/11 Part Two” At This Weekend’s America’s Next Top Model Auditions

OF COURSE THIS HAPPENED: The casting call outside of the Park Central Hotel turned into full-blown seismic insanity after an overheated car caused panic, leading to a few heroes to screaming “There’s a bomb!”. Dicks. People ran and mayhem ensued, as hundreds of hopefuls for Tyra Banks’ dumb television show about modelling trampled each other [...]

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When You Catch Your Girlfriend Boning Some Guy, Don’t Interrupt; You Could Be Shot

Robin Nelson approached a car in which his girlfriend was riding on top of some other dude, because this is what you do in that situation. When he found the door locked, he banged heavily on the car, as if to say, “Excuse me? Can you two stop doing this? I’d like to have a [...]

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Saudi Arabia News: 75 Year Old Syrian Woman To Receive 40 Lashes. Reasons Include: Not Doing Anything, Religious Insanity

HER ‘CRIME’ WAS HAVING TWO UNRELATED MEN IN HER HOUSE, (OF COURSE): The religious police entered the home of Khamisa Mohammed Sawadi, to find gents Fahd and Hadian inside. Fahd said he had the right to be there because the woman had breast fed him as a child (jesusfuckingchrist) and Hadian was just his buddy, [...]

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Dora Goes Skank

Look out world, Dora is growing up! Following the latest in a gross and bizarre doll makeover trend, Mattel will be releasing a new Dora doll this fall, described by the company’s marketers as having “a whole new fashionable look” aimed at appealing to tweens everywhere. The original Dora the Explorer is an adventurous, outdoorsy [...]

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Mattel Introduces Tramp Stamp Barbie

SURE WHY NOT?: Tattoo Stylin’ Barbie “comes with a set of tattoo stickers, which can be placed anywhere on her body.” Hubba hubba. I guess the choice was between this, Goth Teen Barbie, and Weight Issues Barbie. Oh and despite some concerns from parents, Mattel has no plans to discontinue the doll, saying “she gives [...]

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