Why Hasn’t Barack Obama Dived To The Sea Floor To Tie BP’s Leaking Pipes Into A Knot, To Save The Ducks?

HE’S THE PRESIDENT, IT’S HIS JOB!!!! “A month and a half after the spill began, 69 percent in a new ABC News/Washington Post poll rate the federal response negatively. That compares with a 62 negative rating for the response to Katrina two weeks after the August 2005 hurricane.” Why hasn’t Barack Obama appeared in front [...]

Read Full Post »

Half-White Obama Checks “Black” On His Census; My God What Was He Thinking?!?

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING: Outrage. Just damn outrage. So many questions…I mean, was it a mistake? Should he get a new form? What would his mother say? Does Michelle know? Wasn’t there a box for “halfbreeds” he could’ve checked off?? Were the people calling him nigger, anonomously, on the Internet, right all along?? [MSNBC] [Politico]

Read Full Post »

Health Care Reform Bill Passes In House, Despite Well-Reasoned Opposition From This Woman

Last night, while your editors were subjecting themselves to the awful David Lynch movie “Eraserhead”, Congress was straight ‘votin’ like a muthafucka’ on that health care reform bill Premier Obama and communist agitator Nancy Pelosi had written, in French, for the express purposes of killing your beloved nana. Welly well, it passed, 219-212, and now [...]

Read Full Post »

Chris Matthews Forgot Barack Obama Was Black, For Like An Entire Hour

AWWWWWWWW SO CUTE: But is this what *really really white* people do? If they can subvert all triggers and reminders of another human’s Negroid status, in their minds, for like twenty minutes or an hour or some shit, then this other human, the Negro, becomes socially acceptable to them? And then racism dies? Got it. [...]

Read Full Post »

So How Did Obama Do Last Night?

We wouldn’t know, because we didn’t watch. (99.2% of all speeches give your editors the heebee jeebees.) But! Here’s the thing we could take away from the proceedings, without even following them closely: whichever course of action Obama chose for Afghanistan, it would be a loser. Troop escalation doesn’t square with the left; a perceived [...]

Read Full Post »

Tonight Your President Will Speak To America And Tell Us Why We Should Stay With Afghanistan, Even Though It Got Fat, Old, Bitter, Has A Drug Problem, Is Just ‘Okay’ In The Sack, And We Never Really Wanted To Date It In the First Place

THIS CHAT SHOULD GO OVER WELL: President Obama will be speaking at the United States Military Academy at West Point (symbolism!), and asking 30,000 troops from…somewhere…CanIHazSpareTroops.com, maybe…to head into Afghanistan, for More War. He will tell them (and us) all about how nice Afghanistan is this time of year, what with its rugged mountain terrain, [...]

Read Full Post »

Glenn Beck Says The Democrats Are Just Like Roman Polanski That Time He Raped A 13 Year-Old

BUT WHAT IF HE’S RIGHT??1!?!1?!!? “We’re the young girl saying, ‘No no! Help me!’ and the government is Roman Polanski. In the end I think we’re all going to be cowering in France.” Ermm, okay. The best thing about Glenn Beck is you get to mock him publicly for being *retarded* and *insane* and *retarded*, [...]

Read Full Post »

White House Releases (Partial) Visitor List

And provides us with all the proof we need that our Prez is nothing but a celebrity-labor-feminist-terrorist-friendly-socialist–popularity-whore. Oh, and black. [Wash Po]

Read Full Post »

Huzzah! The Health Care Bill Finally Leaves The Senate Finance Committee…

…to soon be gutted and bled out in the Senate, sometime soon! Maine Senator Olympia Snowe was the lone Republican in the Finance Committee to vote in favor of the bill, which in turn makes her a bong-ripping New England hippie. President Obama praised Snowe’s vote as an act “political courage” … but speaking of [...]

Read Full Post »

Rush Limbaugh: ‘I Agree With The Taliban, Obama Sucks Peen’

DOUCHE BIGALOW NEWS: Rush Limbaugh, from his talk-radio harem in Hell, has finally issued his criticism of Barack Obama winning an award he never asked for, and it’s got ‘I’m just like the Taliban, you guys’ bonafides, fer sure. Oh Rush, you heroic slob, you. Aligning your feelings with those of the Taliban (and Iran!), [...]

Read Full Post »

President Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize; Wingnuts Lose Their Shit

MWAHAHAH: Kazart! Barack Obama is your 2009 Nobel Peace Prize Winner, somehow! Nominations for the award had to be submitted less than two weeks after Mr. Obama was sworn in as President, but according to the Norwegian Nobel Committee, “only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world’s attention [...]

Read Full Post »

Barack Obama Charms The Pants Off Of Planet Earth

A recently released and globally conducted poll reveals the United States is once again the most admired nation in the world. Ta-da! We have risen, like an irrepressible erection, from 7th to 1st in world-standing, in just a year’s time. Why?? Sexy Barry. Obviously. [The U.S] climbed from seventh place last year, ahead of France, [...]

Read Full Post »

Meet Joe Wilson, Everyone’s New Favorite Dooshbag!

So by now we all know that President Barry’s sexy health care speech to a joint session of Congress last night featured a shout-y birther wingnut from South Carolina screaming, “You Lie!” at the President. Well here is this groovy picture of Congressman Joe Wilson, in the midst of losing his blundering mind. Wilson did [...]

Read Full Post »

Wingnut Cracker Racists Don’t Want Barack Obama To Tell Their Kids To Stay In School And Get An Education (So They Don’t End Up Like Their Dumb Parents) Because They Are Wingnut Cracker Racists

DID YOU KNOW that when George H. W. Bush (Barbara’s wife) was president, he gave a televised address to schoolchildren, on not only the merits of staying in school, but on education policy? POLICY. And DID YOU KNOW that when that old wobbling apartheid-humping fool Ronald Reagan was president, he gave a speech to the [...]

Read Full Post »

Do You Believe Obama Was Born in the U.S.?

That’s the question a Research 2000 poll conducted by Daily Kos recently asked our nation’s peoples. You’d think the “yes” answer would approximate 100%, since he WAS born in the U.S., but this wouldn’t be America if delusion and ignorance didn’t reign supreme. While only 4% (really?) of Democrats are confused about the president’s place [...]

Read Full Post »

Barack Obama’s Mother And Grandmother Each Gave Birth To Barack Obama, In Outer Space

Hey y’all… did you know your current president is just a dumb ass knee-gro who don’t know who his own mother is because he’s just too stupid AND BLACK??? Here’s the latest crazy to come out of the birther movement – Joseph Farah of WorldNetDaily, explaining how Obama’s real mama is probably his maternal grandmother [...]

Read Full Post »

Obama’s Death Panel To Kill Your Grandmama, But Not If Protesters Can ‘Euthanize’ Him First

Our civil and genteel discourse over health care reform descended upon a high school gymnasium in New Hampshire yesterday, as the president spoke to a multitude of supporters and opposition alike, in hopes of quelling the gathering shitstorm of insanity. But would he be able to convince a dubious and gun-toting public that he would [...]

Read Full Post »

Hey Go To The Wonkette Now!

The folk hero editors of Wonkette will be live-blogging President Barry’s healthcare town hall meeting in New Hampshire. Please Note: there are fanatical protesters on the scene, and some have been photographed holding up ominous ‘death to tyrants’ signs and carrying holstered firearms. What the hell is happening in this country? [Wonkette: Liveblogging President Obama’s [...]

Read Full Post »

Most Republicans Believe Barack Obama Was Born In Kenya, Or Krypton, Or In Their Worst Nightmares

A new Research2000/DailyKos poll shows the ‘birther’ movement is really gathering steam … amongst idiots. Here’s this: only 42 percent of Republicans believe the President of the United States is a natural-born citizen, Huzzah! 28% say he DEFINITELY is not, and 30% were too busy scratching their balls on the couch, with the remote, to [...]

Read Full Post »

Moist Dung Glenn Beck Calls President Obama Racist

Glenn Beck, herpes personified and Fox News guy, went on the “Fox & Friends” morning show Tuesday, and proceeded to call Barack Obama a racist. Beck feels that in the trivial Henry Louis Gates dust-up, Barack Obama’s labeling of Cambridge police actions as ‘stupid’, makes him a racist. According to New York Daily News: He [...]

Read Full Post »

Some Guy In Congress Drafting A Bill Demanding President Apologize To That Cambridge Police Officer

Stunningly handsome Rep. Thaddeus McCotter (R-MI) believes Barack Obama is a super dooper cocksmoker for being mean to those cops in Cambridge who arrested his friend Henry Louis Gates Jr. inside his home last week or whenever; so mean, in fact, that if the President does not offer an official apology to Sgt. James Crowley, [...]

Read Full Post »

Today’s Headlines: Barack And Hillary Are Being Punked By The Foreigns; Meanwhile, Alaska’s Moose Population To Be Decimated By Sassy, Misguided Ex-Governor

• Hillary Clinton compared North Korea to a bunch of “small children”, and North Korea responded saying she was “by no means intelligent” and looked like a “schoolgirl or a pensioner going shopping”. Yow. Obviously, both sides are now open to talks re: North Korea’s nuclear weapons program. [Guardian UK] • Sarah Palin is no [...]

Read Full Post »

Today’s Headlines: Barack Obama Breaks Into The Homes Of Hard Working Americans To Give Them Health Care Against Their Will

• President Barry had to go on the teevee last night to convince Americans they should want healthcare reform, and that having healthcare would be, you know, a good thing. Americans remain unconvinced however, as the system in place is working out so well for them. [NY Times] • When a reporter went off-topic during [...]

Read Full Post »

Today’s Headlines: The Pope Breaks His Wrist; But Unlike Most Americans, He Has An Affordable Health Care Plan

• Last night Barack Obama gave a speech, right here in our fair city (!), and yelled at black people for liking Tyler Perry movies, fitted baseball caps, and bootlegged DVD’s. [NY Times] • The reason the Senate can not come up with a resolution to the health care reform fiasco isn’t the cost or [...]

Read Full Post »