Idiot Connecticut Senate Candidate Loves To Tell Stories Of His Tour In Vietnam, Even Though He Was Never There

A MINOR DETAIL, OF COURSE: From the New York Times: “At a ceremony honoring veterans and senior citizens who sent presents to soldiers overseas, Attorney General Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut rose and spoke of an earlier time in his life. “We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam,” Mr. Blumenthal [...]

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HAPPY TUESDAY: A Western airstrike of an omnibus in Afghanistan kills 27, most of them women and children. The incident is being called the worst episode of civilan casualties in Afghanistan in six months. [LA Times]

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United States Puzzled, Confused Over Their Corrupt, Puppet Government In Afghanistan Exhibiting Reluctance To Fight Graft

Not News: According to the latest official report released on Tuesday by the UN’s Office on Drugs and Crime, kickbacks are Afghanistan’s second biggest income generator, accounting for 23 percent ($2.5 billion) of the country’s gross domestic product. US and international officials, of course, are stunned at the pervasiveness of corruption, and the unwillingness of [...]

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New Hot See-Through X-Ray Screeners Coming To A Dutch Airport Near You

One asshole who wanted to blow up an airplane over Detroit, USA, (only to be foiled by the defusing power of ball sweat and general idiocy) has prompted the Netherlands to employ full body scanners on all flights to the U.S. Hooray! Expect unwarranted giggles from the Dutch airport security staff in your future. Especially [...]

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Jenny Sanford Files For Divorce From Governor Mark Sanford, Presumably Because He Travelled Half The Globe To Get A Piece

WOMEN WHO DIDN’T BEAT THEIR HUSBANDS WITH GOLF CLUBS: Jenny Sanford is out, honey. Girlfriend just ain’t putting this bullshit no more. But now the children will have to go to two Christmases. Sad. Well, thank your father, kids. [NY Daily News]

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So How Did Obama Do Last Night?

We wouldn’t know, because we didn’t watch. (99.2% of all speeches give your editors the heebee jeebees.) But! Here’s the thing we could take away from the proceedings, without even following them closely: whichever course of action Obama chose for Afghanistan, it would be a loser. Troop escalation doesn’t square with the left; a perceived [...]

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Tonight Your President Will Speak To America And Tell Us Why We Should Stay With Afghanistan, Even Though It Got Fat, Old, Bitter, Has A Drug Problem, Is Just ‘Okay’ In The Sack, And We Never Really Wanted To Date It In the First Place

THIS CHAT SHOULD GO OVER WELL: President Obama will be speaking at the United States Military Academy at West Point (symbolism!), and asking 30,000 troops from…somewhere…CanIHazSpareTroops.com, maybe…to head into Afghanistan, for More War. He will tell them (and us) all about how nice Afghanistan is this time of year, what with its rugged mountain terrain, [...]

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Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Wishes Jewish People A Happy New Year…

…BY CALLING ISRAEL A ZIONIST REGIME, THE HOLOCAUST A MYTH, AND WANTING THEM ALL DEAD BY SOMETIME LAST WEEK: Baby steps, people. Baby steps. So now, of course, instead of having constructive, diplomatic talks with Western nations in two weeks, Iran will instead be issued Criterion Collection dvd’s of “The Pianist” and asked repeatedly why [...]

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The Journalist Who Tried To Nail George W. Bush With A Shoe Claims He Was Tortured In Prison

Remember that Iraqi journalist who fired a split-fingered fastball, with his shoe, at President George W. Bush last year, only to miss by a smidge because the former President has the reflexes and quick twitch musculature of a Botswana meerkat?? Well, said journalist, Muntader al-Zaidi, upon his release from prison, says he was tortured for [...]

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The U.S Arms The World With Weapons; Probably Not Helping With The ‘Peace On Earth’ Stuff

SELLING A SHIT-TON OF GUNS IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY, AND GOOD FOR THE APOCALYPSE: It’s a win-win: “The United States signed weapons agreements valued at $37.8 billion in 2008, or 68.4 percent of all business in the global arms bazaar, up significantly from American sales of $25.4 billion the year before.” Just think of [...]

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Dick Cheney Would Have Soooo Bombed Iran That One Time (All The Time)

HERE’S YOUR ‘NO SHIT, SHERLOCK’ QUOTE FOR THE WEEK: “I was probably a bigger advocate of military action than any of my colleagues,” Cheney told Fox News Sunday. Haha, noooo, you, really? Anyway, yeah, Dick Cheney wanted to kill Iran fer good because they have a nuclear weapons program, just like we do! The nerve [...]

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George W. Bush An Actual Insane Person; Attempted To Coerce Jacques Chirac Into Helping Him Bomb Iraq in 2003 By Mentioning Fictional Bible Demons Gog and Magog

WHAT THE FUCK WAS PRESIDENT OF THIS COUNTRY FROM 2000 TO 2008? EH, HERE’S YOUR LEAD: “Incredibly, President George W. Bush told French President Jacques Chirac in early 2003 that Iraq must be invaded to thwart Gog and Magog, the Bible’s satanic agents of the Apocalypse.” FINE BY ME. Now, as we all strongly consider [...]

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A New Terror In The Congo

MEN RAPING MEN: According to Oxfam, Human Rights Watch, United Nations officials and several Congolese aid organizations, the number of men being raped in the eastern Congo has risen sharply in recent months. The new problem seems to be a result of joint Congo-Rwanda military operations against rebels along the border, which have consquently uncapped [...]

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UMM … THANKS?? The new 2009 Taliban Zagat’s military code of conduct handbook “calls for restrictions on suicide attacks aimed at avoiding the killing of civilians”, instead focusing strictly on using the attacks against high-ranking enemy combatants. U.S and Afhgan officials are calling bullshit however, because, the Taliban … fuck those guys. [CNN]

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Hemingway Was Wrong: The World Is Not A Fine Place, And It Is Not Worth Fighting For

DID CHINA ‘DISAPPEAR’ 10,000 OF IT’S UIGHUR POPULATION? Exiled Uighur leader Rebiya Kadeer believes Chinese police opened fire in the Muslim region of Xinjiang on July 5th, after dark, killing thousands, and she has called out the United States for its tepid response to the regional violence. [Yahoo News]

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Today’s Headlines: New York Senator To Send Military Gays Into Mexico To Fight The Drug Cartels

• The bipartisan Senate Finance Committee is edging closer to a health care compromise, according to the Associated Press. The latest draft of this measure completely omits a government insurance option, proposing a system of non-profit co-operatives in its lieu, and is not expected to require employers to provide insurance for their workers – both [...]

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The Government Will Soon Regulate Our Snacking and Nap Times, Because Democrats Are a Bunch of Communist Pansies

Why do Democrats Hate Our Freedoms? • Lawmakers are trying to curb TeeVee commercials for prescription drugs aimed at curing people of preposterous maladies like deficient eyelashes, restless leg syndrome, and male urinary urgency, that may cause obscene side effects like four-hour erections. (Because honestly, wouldn’t a four-hour erection cause urinary urgency and restless leg [...]

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Today’s Headlines: Barack And Hillary Are Being Punked By The Foreigns; Meanwhile, Alaska’s Moose Population To Be Decimated By Sassy, Misguided Ex-Governor

• Hillary Clinton compared North Korea to a bunch of “small children”, and North Korea responded saying she was “by no means intelligent” and looked like a “schoolgirl or a pensioner going shopping”. Yow. Obviously, both sides are now open to talks re: North Korea’s nuclear weapons program. [Guardian UK] • Sarah Palin is no [...]

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Fox News Analyst Thinks Taliban Should Maybe Kill That Kidnapped American Soldier

LT. COL. RALPH PETERS SAID IT COULD SAVE THE U.S “A LOT OF LEGAL HASSLE”: But he went back on the O’Reilly Factor last night and softened from his earlier statements, simply calling the Pfc. Bowe Bergdahl a possibly mentally-disturbed liar and deserter. He claims to have gotten his facts from “a very senior military [...]

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Today’s Headlines: Barack Obama Breaks Into The Homes Of Hard Working Americans To Give Them Health Care Against Their Will

• President Barry had to go on the teevee last night to convince Americans they should want healthcare reform, and that having healthcare would be, you know, a good thing. Americans remain unconvinced however, as the system in place is working out so well for them. [NY Times] • When a reporter went off-topic during [...]

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Today’s Headlines: 98 Percent Of Humanity Is Miserable, Rotting Trash

• Amnesty International accused Saudi Arabia today of using its campaign against terrorism as a facade for “a sustained assault on human rights.” Its report states thousands of people have been arrested and detain in virtual secrecy, while others have been killed in uncertain circumstances, following Saudi Arabia’s numerous counterterrorism measures since 9/11 which, combined [...]

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UGH: “A prominent human rights group is calling on the U.S. Department of Justice to investigate why the administration of former President George W. Bush blocked three different probes into war crimes in Afghanistan where as many as 2,000 surrendered Taliban fighters were reportedly suffocated in container trucks and then buried in a mass grave [...]

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Today’s Headlines: The War Report

• The Obama administration has reversed yet another Bush era policy by offering asylum to battered women from foreign countries. There are strict guidelines however, most of them pertaining to whether the woman’s home country tolerates domestic abuse, and whether her abuser is a terrible, terrible dick, or if he’s just eh sort of a [...]

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International Headlines: 維吾爾什麼？ 維吾爾誰？

• Health officials in Britain warn that a new spate of swine flu virus infections threaten an “epidemic” in the country. The number of H1N1-related deaths has doubled in the last two days. [Reuters] • China has banned Friday prayers at mosques in the Xinjiang province, where violence between the Uighur ethnic group and Han [...]

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