Texas To Re-Write School Curriculum With Whitewashed Fantasies Of Guns, Dungarees, And The Baby Jeebus

Remember when America, and specifically, the United States, was mentioned by name, in the Bible, as the “chosen” nation? Yes you do, you liar. It was right there, in the Bible. Like, on page 8! Pfft. Whatever. It’ll be in the Texas school books sometime soon anyway, as proof. Cynthia Dunbar, Texas lawyer, wingnut, and [...]

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Utah Hopes To Criminalize Miscarriages

A bill passed by the Utah House and Senate this week – and currently waiting the governor’s signature – will make it a crime for a woman to have a miscarriage, and make induced abortion a crime in some instances. The supposed purpose of the bill is to charge a woman with criminal homicide for [...]

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Dick Cheney’s Fifth (!) Heart Attack Can’t Kill Him Either

BECAUSE HE’S ALREADY DEAD? Ex-vice President Orlock underwent a stress test, heart catheterization, and was administered virgin blood at George Washington University Hospital today. He is said to be resting comfortably and is expected to be released in a day or two. [Wash Po]

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C.I.A Offers Vague Reminder Al-Qaeda Will Try To Kill Us Sometime Soon Or Whenever

THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP: “‘An attempted attack … is certain, I would say,’ Director of National Intelligence Dennis Blair told a Senate hearing on terror threats.” Okay cool, cuz we weren’t sure. [NY Daily News]

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Democratic Strategist James Carville Welcomes Our New Penis Length-Scrutinizing Security Measures

James Carville, Sunday talkshow circuit whore and Mary Matalin’s long-suffering husband, is looking forward to America’s latest breach of privacy and dignity – the new X-ray machines coming to an airport near you. He figures, if it’s a matter of national security to analyze my cock, well then, have at it! “Let me buy a [...]

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New Hot See-Through X-Ray Screeners Coming To A Dutch Airport Near You

One asshole who wanted to blow up an airplane over Detroit, USA, (only to be foiled by the defusing power of ball sweat and general idiocy) has prompted the Netherlands to employ full body scanners on all flights to the U.S. Hooray! Expect unwarranted giggles from the Dutch airport security staff in your future. Especially [...]

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Tonight Your President Will Speak To America And Tell Us Why We Should Stay With Afghanistan, Even Though It Got Fat, Old, Bitter, Has A Drug Problem, Is Just ‘Okay’ In The Sack, And We Never Really Wanted To Date It In the First Place

THIS CHAT SHOULD GO OVER WELL: President Obama will be speaking at the United States Military Academy at West Point (symbolism!), and asking 30,000 troops from…somewhere…CanIHazSpareTroops.com, maybe…to head into Afghanistan, for More War. He will tell them (and us) all about how nice Afghanistan is this time of year, what with its rugged mountain terrain, [...]

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Sen. Chuck Grassley Thinks Khalid Sheikh Mohammed’s Trial In NYC Could Turn Out Just Like The O.J Trial, Which Made Him Sad

O.J SIMPSON WAS AN ALLEGED TERRORIST MASTERMIND? Senator Chuck (R-Iowa) reiterated in his statement (it is amazing, this statement) that’s he’s just a simple farmer, and not a lawyer. Just wanted to get it on the record. Just puttin’ it out there … that he has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about. He’s [...]

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Transparency Just A Synonym For Secrecy

In shockingly predictable news, Defense Secretary Robert Gates notified the Supreme Court yesterday that he will be issuing an order to block the release of photos apparently depicting abuse of suspected terrorists and foreign troops in U.S. custody. The Pentagon is also urging the high court to dismiss a lower court ruling ordering the photos [...]

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Khalid Sheikh Mohammed To Come To A New York City Near You; Erick Erickson Of RedState Predictably Loses His Shit

Terrorist mastermind and queef-personified Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will soon be transferred from Guantanamo Bay to New York, to stand trial for 9/11′ing the United States eight years ago. He will also, according to hunky and mustachioed Attorney General Eric Holder, probably face the death penalty. Huzzah! Death death death death! But alas, Erick Erickson, leading [...]

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Gay Men Hunted/Executed In Iraq, Revisited

HEY in August we wrote about a certain cresting atrocity in Iraq; gay men attacked and murdered at alarming rates. Well, New York Magazine is rerporting further on this calamity, profiling the efforts of a group of New Yorkers who are attempting to “shepherd [these men] to safety.” Give it a read. [NY Mag: The [...]

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Department Of Homeland Security Issues Warning: ‘Never Leave The House’

Those gossip-goblins of cryptic ambiguity, the Department of Homeland Security, along with the FBI, have issued their latest security bulletins nationwide, with regards to TERRORISM. Yes friends, I’m afraid The Terrorists will STRIKE everywhere AT ONCE, possibly! And soon! This much we know for sure. Stadiums, arenas, hotels, subway systems, as well as other places [...]

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The Journalist Who Tried To Nail George W. Bush With A Shoe Claims He Was Tortured In Prison

Remember that Iraqi journalist who fired a split-fingered fastball, with his shoe, at President George W. Bush last year, only to miss by a smidge because the former President has the reflexes and quick twitch musculature of a Botswana meerkat?? Well, said journalist, Muntader al-Zaidi, upon his release from prison, says he was tortured for [...]

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North Korea Will Soon Enrich Uranium; To Kill Everyone … Sometime Next Week

THIS POST IS JUST AN EXCUSE TO RUN THIS INCREDIBLE PICTURE AGAIN: Yeah yeah North Korea is in the ‘final stages’ of enriching uranium, for MURDER, their Final Solution, and they are ignoring the sanctions committee because ‘we’ve got the bomb now so suck it, sanctions committee’, but this photo is ALL win ALL the [...]

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Dick Cheney Would Have Soooo Bombed Iran That One Time (All The Time)

HERE’S YOUR ‘NO SHIT, SHERLOCK’ QUOTE FOR THE WEEK: “I was probably a bigger advocate of military action than any of my colleagues,” Cheney told Fox News Sunday. Haha, noooo, you, really? Anyway, yeah, Dick Cheney wanted to kill Iran fer good because they have a nuclear weapons program, just like we do! The nerve [...]

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Gay Men Attacked, Executed in Iraq

Hundreds of gay men have been tortured and killed in Iraq in recent months, some by the nation’s security forces, Human Rights Watch said in a report released Monday, following interviews with Iraqi doctors. According to the organization, attackers target people on the streets or storm homes, where they conduct interrogations and demand names of [...]

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Hey Dick Cheney Hates George W. Bush Too!

Undead ex-veep Dick Cheney has ceased in calling Barack Obama a pussified Marxist just long enough to slap his old crony George Dubya around as well, and he’ll be dishing it out in his soon-to-be-released memoir, How To Kick A Kitten and Cum at the Same Time. Cheney contends that in his second term, President [...]

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George W. Bush An Actual Insane Person; Attempted To Coerce Jacques Chirac Into Helping Him Bomb Iraq in 2003 By Mentioning Fictional Bible Demons Gog and Magog

WHAT THE FUCK WAS PRESIDENT OF THIS COUNTRY FROM 2000 TO 2008? EH, HERE’S YOUR LEAD: “Incredibly, President George W. Bush told French President Jacques Chirac in early 2003 that Iraq must be invaded to thwart Gog and Magog, the Bible’s satanic agents of the Apocalypse.” FINE BY ME. Now, as we all strongly consider [...]

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A New Terror In The Congo

MEN RAPING MEN: According to Oxfam, Human Rights Watch, United Nations officials and several Congolese aid organizations, the number of men being raped in the eastern Congo has risen sharply in recent months. The new problem seems to be a result of joint Congo-Rwanda military operations against rebels along the border, which have consquently uncapped [...]

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UMM … THANKS?? The new 2009 Taliban Zagat’s military code of conduct handbook “calls for restrictions on suicide attacks aimed at avoiding the killing of civilians”, instead focusing strictly on using the attacks against high-ranking enemy combatants. U.S and Afhgan officials are calling bullshit however, because, the Taliban … fuck those guys. [CNN]

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Hemingway Was Wrong: The World Is Not A Fine Place, And It Is Not Worth Fighting For

DID CHINA ‘DISAPPEAR’ 10,000 OF IT’S UIGHUR POPULATION? Exiled Uighur leader Rebiya Kadeer believes Chinese police opened fire in the Muslim region of Xinjiang on July 5th, after dark, killing thousands, and she has called out the United States for its tepid response to the regional violence. [Yahoo News]

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U.S TO STOP PUBLISHING DEATH TOLLS OF TALIBAN FIGHTERS AND INSURGENTS KILLED IN AFGHANISTAN: It was distracting from the task at hand (was that not the task at hand?), and generally giving everyone the bummer. But how will we know who’s winning if we can’t read about all the kills? [Seattle PI]

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The Government Will Soon Regulate Our Snacking and Nap Times, Because Democrats Are a Bunch of Communist Pansies

Why do Democrats Hate Our Freedoms? • Lawmakers are trying to curb TeeVee commercials for prescription drugs aimed at curing people of preposterous maladies like deficient eyelashes, restless leg syndrome, and male urinary urgency, that may cause obscene side effects like four-hour erections. (Because honestly, wouldn’t a four-hour erection cause urinary urgency and restless leg [...]

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Today’s Headlines: FEMA Trailers Make Homelessness Seem … Not So Bad

• Years of state and federal neglect have hobbled the nation’s unemployment system, leaving millions of needy people (roughly 40% of claimants) waiting for months for their checks. The number of jobless Americans seeking aid has doubled during the recession, while state funds have depleted, resulting in 16 states borrowing billions to pay out claims [...]

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